February 2016

So I took a year off from writing my own thoughts down into this fancy blog/website. I started to feel like i couldn’t let myself out knowing someone i know and or care about could possibly read this or a complete stranger could read this and think they have a grasp on who i am. It got kind of frightening to have to answer questions about a feeling i wrote down. So i ran, and hid from writing. i masked it in the lyrics from great songs by incredible song writers. that wasn’t it either. for a little over a year i felt like i had too much to say or nothing to say at all. its a duality thing. wanting to unleash everything but then again rather keep it all hidden and inside.

I luckily had a conversation over dinner with someone who writes as well. In discussing this topic they very much had the same opinion sometimes it sucks to let it out and have someone question you or feel like they know you because of something they read. It made my mind melt. it got me thinking I’ve been taking this all wrong. instead of wanting to run and hide cause some one read what i wrote and wanted to discuss it. i should discuss it. maybe its me who will gain healing in hearing what it was that prompted them to even bring it up in conversation. why be scared with connecting with someone or strangers? whats the worse that will happen? id be judged for my opinion? I’m judged daily. by everyone… girlfriends, family, strangers… friends who are no longer there. why be scared of being who i am? I’ve prided myself this far in life in being who i am, but yet when it comes to feelings i get shy, embarrassed, mad or frustrated when someone wants to talk about it? makes no sense.

I watched one of my favorite films the other day. It’s Chasing Amy by Kevin Smith. every time I’ve viewed it i catch something new to learn from it. It’s a lot like music. you can listen to your most warn down favorite records and hear something new that speaks to you in a different way. This time it was something that the main character Holden says to his friend/ex girlfriend Alyssa. A theme that sort of runs through out the movie.

“Alyssa: Looks like a very personal story.

Holden: I finally had something personal to say.”

so yeah maybe more post will have me blabbering about life and what not. i know what you’re thinking life is not what not. Maybe next time ill talk about my ups and downs. love lost, people not believing in me because i didn’t listen and follow orders. friends who wont speak to me because i think for myself and do as i please. the same respect i give them. maybe next time ill talk about people who tell you they love you and they wont give up on you but the first thing they wanna do is run away. maybe next time ill write about how ” Its a cold world out there. Sometimes i think I’m getting a little frosty myself” either way know this. there will be a next time.